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This week I did not feel right while training. I have hardly had good feelings once. I am not sure how much of the feelings were because I don’t see myself reaching my real goals or because my body was not in sound. But I did have some problems with shipments and equipment that are worrying me, but these happened at the end of the week and I hadn’t had good feelings since the first session. Right now I am fully booked ad I should not back up. I am too distracted also and I am not sure of what I want.
On Tuesday morning I had the first session of the week. I started off with a swim, the swim was nothing fancy, just some muscular endurance work but I was not able to reach my training paces as I was asked for. I was too slow all the time except for the first set, it was the easiest one. Then I went to work and in the afternoon I had my first brick of the week. 90minutes on the bike followed by a long transition, the transition was longer than 3 minutes which is unacceptable. Then I ran. During the bike I just wished it was over and during the run I had a hard time focusing it took me one lap to start running slightly focused. Also running with no references made it hard. I did not know if I was going fast or not, but the being so distracted made it look like no matter the pace was, the feeling was not good.
On Wednesday I hit off the pool in the morning for a short session mostly based on technique work, I wanted t have an active recovery session. In the afternoon I had scheduled a 75minutes run. Once again I was fast, this time I did have some reference points, but I did not enjoy it as I should’ve done. I felt slow and heavy even though I trained under 4minutes per Kilometer, which at the same time this is too fast and I should’ve not done it.
On Thursday I started with a brick session. Once again I needed more than 3 minutes for the transition, not acceptable, plus I had to shorten the run. I did not feel very good on the bike but the problems came during the run. I felt some discomfort on my right knee, the one that got hit the Saturday before while playing crash cars with friends. It was scheduled a 45minutes run of which I did 30. In the afternoon I went to the swimming pool. I felt slightly better on it but not good yet.
Finally on Friday I had a session with good feelings. I swam in the morning and I was able to complete all my swims within schedule and at the required speed which sometimes it was not easy. I was able to complete 500m faster than my T-pace, I had never done that. Later that day, I did one more brick. This time I struggled a little bit on the bike and during the run I did not feel comfortable during the first lap and I was actually happier that the second lap was faster.
On Saturday, I woke up early and I went to the beach. Once there I did my in and out of the water session. This time unlike the last time that I did something similar, the swim was very short, about 3 minutes long and then I had to run and back to the water. I did not have the same feelings as the last time but it was almost everything ok until I got home. The zip of my wetsuit is broken and I am not sure that I can have it repaired. I have been searching for solutions but none of them quite fit me yet. I just wish I can repair it. I tried to get some sleep and go for a recovery run. I did not feel even good on it. Was I maybe going too fast? It could be but the times showed me that I was going slower than normal but the feeling was not good.
I had saved Sunday for the hardest workout of the week. 4h on the bike plus 45minutes running. I was slow on the bike, maybe it was because of the win and the climbs but I did not feel fast, plus I had a hard time getting aero after the 1st hour. I met with a guy that actually helped me to go faster on one of the climbs and showed me how I should go downhill, I was chasing him fairly well until I had a couple of misshapen and I backed up a little bit. But once we hit the flat I could’ve easily left him behind. I transitioned quite fast this time and I took off for a run. It was faster than before but not quite the pace that I wanted to.
This week has not been a very good one. I did not feel good anywhere. I felt like a stranger and sometimes I felt guilty. I don’t know why I felt like this but I hope it ends soon.
Every once in a while; especially when things don’t go my way I tend to tear everything apart. Now it is one of those moments. I want to drop everything, I want to brake with everything and I want to live outside of the corset that I feel like I am.
It is hard to have goals and that such goals will not be met and it is even harder to work tons of hour for it and not achieving them. I want to fight and meet my goals. I truly want to do it but I also have to be realistic.
What will it take me to be happy after the Mdot? What if I achieve my ultimate goal? What if even I don’t achieve it I achieve the ones that could just be even harder to meet? Even though I have been thinking a lot about new races, will I want to continue? Will my lifestyle let me train? Will I want to train that hard? How badly do I want to meet my goals? It is not that I have not finished one race that I am starting to think about a new one. I have some goals that I would like to accomplish and maybe I will need to race more to achieve them.
Right now I am tired of this bullshit. What we have might be more than we have ever expected but it is not enough for me. Is it time to take action? Do I foresee a fork in the road? Our routine is no longer enough. I might have agreed to that in the past but we were all different at that moment.
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