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I am injured and I can’t go to the race. My dream has been stalled.
I injured myself on week 28 but I decided that I would wait until Tuesday to see if I was able to run. Well I was only able to run 30m. Since I was not able to run I had to withdraw from the race.
Also this week I have started some unstructured training which will lead to nowhere.
I have only swum two times this week and I have only ridden my bike one time. The swims where Tuesday and Thursday and the bike ride was Wednesday.
On Tuesday I went to the swimming pool again. I was able to swim well even though there were a couple mucking around in the fast lane. They were there for more than 20 mins doing nothing else but feeling one each other and when the girl would go for a length she was the slower bitch of the pool. People should use the pool etiquette more often.
On Wednesday I decided to ride for 90mins doing someone legged spinning and some high intensity intervals. Much more fun than just riding on the trainer but I still need to work a lot on my riding technique.
On Thursday I was only able to swim because of the time constraint that I was in. Once again I felt pretty good after 20mins swimming. At first I thought I was going to finish but after 20mins everything becomes much easier.
Ever since Thursday I haven’t moved. On Friday I went to the doctor and she told me to stop doing anything, I am only allowed to swim with a pull buoy, and that I have to meet her again next week once my tendinitis is better. She also told me that it would’ve been hard for my foot to me healthy to race even if I had gone to her the very first day. So I am kind of relieved that I did not do a mistake and it was just something that had to happen. At this moment I still have some pain.
This week has been the hardest in a long time. I feel like a failure as a son, brother, lover, athlete, student, worker; …, you name it I will feel like a failure.
I had many goals for this year, the end is near and I have not accomplished anything. I have no degree, no race, no good times, no one next to me, no job, no time …
I feel awful, fat, ugly, and useless. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I don’t know how other people think about me and I am not who I want to be not who I should be. I don’t have the capability to know when things are going smooth and well or when things are not going well.
Last week I went to an interview for a University association and I thought I was clearly going to get in, well they did not admit me and they have not even replied to my email. How could I be so wrong about it? I thought I was the perfect candidate to get in and it turned out to be that I did not even make it.
Some of the people that I know are starting a life with someone they love, some others have started having kids, and I don’t even have a life to fight for.
I see that everyone has some competitive advantage over me. When I compare myself to the rest of the people I don’t see why someone in a job interview, a girl, a friend, would take me over them. If I were in their position I would take the other one. What do I offer? I got nothing to offer to anyone. I know nothing I can’t do anything. I can’t swim, ride nor run; I am not a good employee nor a good employer because I have no company to hire anyone. I am not even a good friend or a good student.
Well I guess it will be time to stand up, shout out and start recovering from everything. There will be new goals, some of them are already in my mind but I need to be able to put a date on them.
You’ve been appearing way too often in my thoughts lately. I don’t like that.
Lately it has been scaring how often I have been thinking on a surrogate mother. It is popping in to my head too often. Is it because they have been discussing it on TV? Is it because I have seen it on a TV show? The problem of it is that I had started to think long before this.
And I am thinking that I should never go to live to the US. That country has given me so much; has made me so happy and my memories are so great that I don’t want to spoil our relationship. It gave me some of the best moments of my life some of the happiest moments and some of the most successful ones. When I think back I realize that all my memories are from good moments. I miss that life, and I miss being there. Although, is it a good thing to go back there or it is better that our relationship just lies in my heart?
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