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I have not had a worse week in a very long time. I felt like a piece of crap. And I have the feeling that I had just thrown my life through the window.
I had not even planned this week, I had to many things to do and I was not going to have time, it was supposed to be the second week of the season where I would shift a notch but because I was too busy I could not do it, instead it looks like I lost my time. It feels like it did not make a difference that I stopped training. Well, why would I train for? I suck anyway. It’s not that I am going to get any better.
Friday was the first day of the week that I trained. I went for a swim and it did not feel bad at all. I trained a little bit of endurance. It was not a very long session but long enough to start moving.
Saturday was an awful day. I was supposed to train in the morning because I was busy in the afternoon, and according to the original plan, not the modified one, I was supposed to ride for 4h. Well I barely rode for 2h20mins on the trainer. I ended up waiting until Barça’s game at 8pm. The session was called The TV Special. You have to spin at 95 rpm for the entire time and when there are commercials on TV you alternate legs every 30 seconds. I decided that since I was listening to the radio and watching the game and I would change it to the match the radio commercials instead of the TV ones. Well it was not much better either. I had not ridden for so long that my ass is slightly sore.
On Sunday I went to the swimming pool. What a difficult session. It felt very demanding. I could barely keep up with the program. I think I have never felt so out of breath in the swimming pool like yesterday. Surprisingly my shoulder felt good, but now it is not.
My heel tendinitis has not moved from where it was. There are times when it feels better or painless like yesterday and there are other times like right now that it is giving me a hard time. I am really tired of this. It makes me sad, angry, anxious …
I tried to eat healthier, it was impossible. I tried for the past weeks to eat a little less protein, living at home and having to eat like the rest is impossible. Being busy as I was, spending heaps of time sitting in front of the computer and having high amounts of anxiety and being nervous does not help.
I feel fat; I took my underwater test and I failed I started to float; I went on the scale and I am 3kg heavier. I feel out of shape, and what is worse I feel retarded. This last week could have been a great week instead it might be the beginning of the end. I blew my opportunity to be a little happier and I’ll probably drown in to misery.
I haven’t seen the light at the end of this tunnel and I still can’t see it.
Because I was very busy this week I was glad of my sleeping disorder, I was not able to sleep and it actually helped so I could work more hours a day. Well it looks like in hasn’t been enough.
I have had to think about Christmas, presents, secret Santa, New Year’s Eve; I have no desire to celebrate this year. I don’t think I deserve anything; I don’t want to go out and don’t want to see anybody.
Also I am broke because some people owe me money and they are not willing to even show up. I am disappointed that at some point I considered them my friends. What kind of friends are them? When we had seen this in another two guys he told me that it would never happen between us, well it’s true, I am trying to get hold of you and you just seem to slip away.
It still hurts to think of her. There are names that I can’t see them printed because of the memories they bring to my mind. I don’t know what kind of spell she used on me but it worked. How can she throw me another spell to revoke the last one? For the past two weeks or so I thought I was not thinking as much of her but when I see her name printed some where it just kills me again.
I have also been speaking to a friend who does not mind to talk to me but it is hard that we meet. We have been chatting for a lot of time but I don’t see any future together but it would be nice to be able to hang out together some time. I would like to know my reaction if we meet, because I can be shy and it is easy to chat, it ain’t easy to face it. I would like to know how strong is our friendship or if it is only an online friendship.
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