no ironman frankfurt in 2013 week 2

During this past week I have learnt quite a few things that I will need to take into account very soon. Also, for the first time in at least 5 or 6 weeks I was eager for the Sunday to come to write the blog. I got excited to write again because I had many things to share and to spill out of my head.

I have learnt that I am not allowed to train with any measuring device while I am injured or trying to recover from an injury. I found that it is not normal that I run 1km under 3mins 40seconds when I have not run for nearly two months or when I have been only running 5mins walk/run. I can get too excited when coming back that I need to really hold it back; the worst was that I felt like I could have tried to run faster.

Another thing that I learnt this past week is that I need to get help when needed and I need it from skilled professionals even if it takes a little more to get visited. I feel like I have lost 2 months because I have not gone to the right persons on time. I am much happier with my physiotherapist and my orthopedic now than I had been before.

I have tried to open a little bit more to some people. I have told them things that I had never said before and I have said things that I had never meant before. I have even contacted people that I had not talked to them for a long time and not only to ask for help, I have also contacted them to clear things up and try to get a good relationship with them.

Now it is time to take some action. I have taken already some actions and by speaking about the issues have helped me a lot and I hope that I will get more help in the near future and that my thoughts can come true. I have started a process that I just need to keep on moving it faster and faster it can’t be stopped now. I want to be proud of myself for the first time in a long time.

Emotionally this past week has been a rollercoaster. I have been on a high like on Tuesday after the run to a low on Wednesday. I tried to dissipate some doubts that I had last week, it took me a lot of time to man up and talk. I like that I did it but I just still cannot believe the reaction on the other side.

I have felt disappointed and I had a lot of rage on me and I was not even allowed to do what I like to do when I need to evade and find some time alone. I cannot believe that people criticize some mistakes that then they go and do right back at you and they even put it as if it was your fault. That is not going to happen. This time I did not do anything wrong and I am not willing to swallow it up. I have had moments in which I wanted to do bad things and I still do. I cannot believe the way that this has ended you made me think that I was a bad boy but by your reaction I cannot be so sure anymore.

Some people say that everything happens for a reason and even though I don’t trust it hope it is true this time. This week I should have been in San Diego at a friend’s wedding, instead I am sitting at home writing the blog. Several reasons stopped me from being next to my friends. I am very sorry and I hope they can understand it, I don’t feel good about it and I just wish them a very happy life together. Congrats for getting married, it ain’t going to happen to me any time soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tDYMayp6Dk

no ironman frankfurt in 2013

I have not written for a long time because I have not felt like it. It is probably the first time that it has taken me so long to even be willing to write. Words have not been spilling out of my head and I am still struggling to get them out.

A lot has happened in the last two months. They have been some very tough weeks. By my own choice I decided to no reveal the information of the evolution of my injury with my beloved ones. I am not sure if this hermetic has put me in a downward spiral but definitely I was not in the very best moments of my life, right now I feel better from my injury and hopefully soon I will be able to train again.

This injury has made me realize that I have not had a smile in my face for a very long time. I remember there was a time when I was easier going, funnier and happier and I have seen a decline in the last few years.

The injury had force me to withdraw from IM Frankfurt. It was a huge decision that I had to make because now it means that I don’t know when I will be able to take the journey again. It has been a huge drawback but not the worst in the past 2 months.

What I have been questioning myself is if sport has changed me or I have changed to the sport. If the sport changed me, why am I not happier? And if I changed to the sport, why did I change? What is there that I try to get away from? What I am trying to hide? What am I missing? There is something that I am missing, is it the guilt of having lost many years and realizing that I can’t catch them up? Is it my own failure or just seeing everybody happy around me that make me envy?

Did I have at some point what I have always wanted and I let it go or it was not quite what I wanted? Is my daily life making me happy? Do I feel like I am in the right place at the right moment? Do I need a turn in my life? Do I chase a memory? Will I ever fulfill my dreams?

Although I want to thank some friends for making me do what I did not want to, by coming and visiting and making me leave my pity for a while as time goes I feel more distant to everybody else. For instance, last I had the chance to go out after dinner, after putting some thought I just decided to go home. Was it because I did not like the company, half of the people who I had dinner with were going out. Was I really too tired to go out or it was just being me? Sure I had issues with some of them, but are they that strong to keep me from going out?

I realize that I might not be a winner but I definitely hate to lose. Is this fear sculpting me? Can I handle the stress of not winning? Can I live without thinking about wins and losses and more about maintenance?

And there has also been the brake up. I guess there will always be some unanswered questions such what is there to talk if you are happier without me? Because to my opinion it is self-explanatory. Or why would we be friends if we have no contact and we are not willing to have any? Right now everything that relates to you still hurt to me. And why would I like to be friends with someone who I cannot even stand her presence around me?

I hope that all the damage that you have done to me was not intentionally, because I have been hurt badly this time. So far I have not had the thought of even meeting new people; neither have I had the courage to do what you have done. I guess there are different ways for graving.

I have been thinking what would be the song that I would use to go with this text but I am afraid that what I had in mind would be too revealing and it would close a door, so let’s leave it on the jar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdHCec23BKE