I have not
written for a long time because I have not felt like it. It is probably the first
time that it has taken me so long to even be willing to write. Words have not
been spilling out of my head and I am still struggling to get them out.
A lot has
happened in the last two months. They have been some very tough weeks. By my
own choice I decided to no reveal the information of the evolution of my injury
with my beloved ones. I am not sure if this hermetic has put me in a downward
spiral but definitely I was not in the very best moments of my life, right now
I feel better from my injury and hopefully soon I will be able to train again.
This injury
has made me realize that I have not had a smile in my face for a very long
time. I remember there was a time when I was easier going, funnier and happier
and I have seen a decline in the last few years.
The injury
had force me to withdraw from IM Frankfurt. It was a huge decision that I had
to make because now it means that I don’t know when I will be able to take the
journey again. It has been a huge drawback but not the worst in the past 2
months.
What I have
been questioning myself is if sport has changed me or I have changed to the
sport. If the sport changed me, why am I not happier? And if I changed to the
sport, why did I change? What is there that I try to get away from? What I am
trying to hide? What am I missing? There is something that I am missing, is it
the guilt of having lost many years and realizing that I can’t catch them up? Is
it my own failure or just seeing everybody happy around me that make me envy?
Did I have
at some point what I have always wanted and I let it go or it was not quite
what I wanted? Is my daily life making me happy? Do I feel like I am in the
right place at the right moment? Do I need a turn in my life? Do I chase a
memory? Will I ever fulfill my dreams?
Although I
want to thank some friends for making me do what I did not want to, by coming
and visiting and making me leave my pity for a while as time goes I feel more
distant to everybody else. For instance, last I had the chance to go out after
dinner, after putting some thought I just decided to go home. Was it because I
did not like the company, half of the people who I had dinner with were going out.
Was I really too tired to go out or it was just being me? Sure I had issues
with some of them, but are they that strong to keep me from going out?
I realize
that I might not be a winner but I definitely hate to lose. Is this fear
sculpting me? Can I handle the stress of not winning? Can I live without
thinking about wins and losses and more about maintenance?
And there
has also been the brake up. I guess there will always be some unanswered
questions such what is there to talk if you are happier without me? Because to
my opinion it is self-explanatory. Or why would we be friends if we have no
contact and we are not willing to have any? Right now everything that relates
to you still hurt to me. And why would I like to be friends with someone who I
cannot even stand her presence around me?
I hope that
all the damage that you have done to me was not intentionally, because I have
been hurt badly this time. So far I have not had the thought of even meeting
new people; neither have I had the courage to do what you have done. I guess
there are different ways for graving.
I have been
thinking what would be the song that I would use to go with this text but I am
afraid that what I had in mind would be too revealing and it would close a
door, so let’s leave it on the jar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdHCec23BKE
No comments:
Post a Comment