16th week of the 2011 season

153

I have had very little to no motivation to do what I had to do. I was supposed to take the last chance and I am not sure I did it.

I only worked out 4 days this week.

I started on Tuesday as usual with a run, this same run some other time would’ve been a short one but now it is quite a lot.

On Wednesday I did a brick session. Very fun to do these bricks sessions but I am still too slow.

On Thursday I ran again, I did the long run of the week, and it was only for 75mins. I was able to run very fast but later on my body told me that I couldn’t run any longer this week. I started to feel my shins which are something I should be looking close because I don’t want to stop working out again.

On Friday I took a pretty good ride on the trainer. Although I had a little bit of butt pain I was able to complete it with no problem.

On Saturday and Sunday I was too busy to workout.

My training is unorganized right now. What I gain on week I lose it the next. I need to go back to some structured training. I wish I could say I will be competing soon but right now I have no mood to do so and I should not be doing it because things haven’t been going the way they should be going and I should punish myself.

I am disappointed on my actions in the past 2 weeks and I hope I can redirect my life.

My motivation to keep going is very low. I had no motivation to do anything for too long.

All I wanted to do this week was to go back to one of the closest cities that I have lived and I can fly and take a walk and have some alone time. All I wanted to do were walks in a safe environment, where I felt happy to try to regain that happiness again. I did not want to go with anyone or see anyone, I just wanted to go o my own and think.

I had a hard time writing on a day like today.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuT4mTNHyHk

15th week of the 2011 season

153

There hasn’t been any rest day this week. I went from last week into this one without the regular break on Mondays. I haven’t swum either because the pool is too far and it just takes too much time to go there and I was supposed to be out of time.

So I started the week with a spin. My legs were still a bit stiff from the earlier days. I haven’t felt like this for a long time. But I am not in the best shape ever so I guess it is normal to be a bit off.

On Tuesday I did my first brick session since my injury in October. It felt great as always. I love to spin and then hit the road for a short run. I did feel a lot the lack of run time, I was much faster at the beginning and not so fast at the end. It is fun and I usually go quite fast. Speed has a different meaning now. What it used to be slow it is now fast, so I can’t say that I am happy about that but I am working on it.

On Wednesday I did something similar to Monday, just a simple spin. My legs were feeling better, they actually felt rested.

On Thursday I was a little busy and I also decided to try how a hour run would feel. It felt well to run for one hour, even though I straggled to finish it. I ended up with at least 6 blisters in my feet, 4 of them in the same foot. I haven’t been able to find out how many blisters I have had because I haven’t removed all the Compeed patches that I had that day. I already know I have had 6 at least. I ran without liquid and I am not used to it anymore. I am used to drink while training and it felt different and it was quite hard.

On Friday it took me quite a bit to get on the bike and the amount of training changed from 4h to 3 to the final 3 and a half hours on the bike. I expected to be a lot more tired that I ended up being. At the same time, I had rescheduled this training because I was supposed to do something else on Saturday.

On Saturday I was free of what I had to do and there was a beautiful day outside and we had to go to Cadaqués to eat sea urchins so I decided to ride to Cadaqués since there is a nice road before you get there. There is a 5km climb which I have always wanted to climb and descent it is a category 3 climb. I expected to have a lot more pain on my buttocks and I expected to go slower. Overall was a very nice ride.

On Sunday I wanted to do another easy brick session but it rained and I was lazy so I decided to watch the soccer match on the bike. It was a speed skills session, so it was easy. I have also learned the difference between good tri shorts and bad cycling shorts.

I feel guilty this week. I had much to do and I have done nothing. I am still working on that 6^th chance and I am still not fully working on it. I get distracted too easily.

Also I haven’t done much about the project, I halted it because I had to work on that chance and I haven’t done anything.

I have set new goals to help me motivate and if I accomplish my chance I’ll race, if injuries let me. There is this race that I am checking out lately and I am very excited and I have got enough time to fully train for it. It is going to be hard but it can be extremely beautiful.

The only accomplishment of the week is that on Thursday I had to write a program for a test. My hopes are not very high; it took me too long to do it, although I turned it and working.

Sometimes I feel like I can do and get anything I want and some other times I feel like crap and I can’t accomplish anything.

I have also stopped feeling as fat as I used to feel, although I still need to work a lot. I did not shave, my chest, for two weeks because I did not like what I was seeing, I was hoping the hair would cover what I did not like even though it did not do a very good job because I don’t have much her there.

Sometimes I think to myself, what the hell was going on when you hit on them. How did you do it? How brave were you to try it? I am really scared of being neglected and it makes me to stop and think many times before I make a move.

Also my feelings have been divided. And I haven’t been as depressed as lately. In one hand I just want to leave and be with her. Drop everything and sit next to her and try to build something together.

On the other hand I just want her to be unsuccessful and try to work things out again.

I have been jealous on the input that I have had lately and all I wanted was to destroy that in my favor. It is hard to be friends when you have such information. And it is more difficult when you are like me.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I want. But I do know.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzeDqRhM09w

14th week of the 2011 season

153

 

I have only trained 3 sessions in two days. The reason is that I have been sick.

So I trained on Saturday for nearly 2 hours, easy endurance. These two hours were split in one 30 minutes run a 90 minutes bike ride. Even though I did not run very fast or ride hard I had some trouble completing the sessions.

On Sunday I wanted to do another double session but my legs, my blisters and some work stopped me from training. I did run for slightly more than 30 minutes. It was a slow windy and painful run. I started the run with stiff sore legs. By the end of the run, I could barely walk because of the blisters. Two weeks ago I had 2 blisters, this week I have increased the family to three and two of them are new. And they are so far from one each other that I have to wear 3 patches of Compeed.

My heel seems to be better although it is not at its best. After running I have a little bit of pain that goes away when I rubbed against the table.

I haven’t swum yet because of the cold; I thought it was not safe enough.

Besides from being sick I haven’t done much this week. Although the project that I am working on seems to be getting together, but so far there has only been talking and not too much action.

I was also called for a 6^th chance. I hope I won’t blow it this time. And maybe I’ll see some light at the end of the tunnel. I am quite excited and I want to do well this time.

After a lot of thinking I realize that I rarely change. The feelings that I have had for the last few months are the same as the ones that I had years ago. It is exactly the same pattern.

Things have changed a little bit this week. I was jealous but not from whom I thought I would be. It might be one of those breaks that my mind gives me after a bad week but all I wanted to do this week was to be with her. It might be because I haven’t had the chance to talk to her as much as I used to do; she’s having some connection problems.

I tried to meet her but she seems to be busy or she just doesn’t want to see me. I have done that in the past. I play the busy me when I don’t want to see someone. The worst part is that it isn’t the first time that she turns down my offer.

There is another problem. I felt very good with her when we met. And I haven’t had this feeling for a long time. I am shy and naive so I did not want to spoil the moment. I am not sure if meeting her is a good option for me. I know how I feel and I know how I behave. I can be dangerous because I get mad when I don’t get what I want and I can blow everything.

We are not at the same point in our lives so it just makes it more difficult. I still have some dreams, which I should face that I’ll never accomplish them, and she has her issues.

I have argued this many people in the past. All of the arguments were for the same reason. I am not capable to be rejected. I just can’t handle it. What is my defense mechanism against this behavior? I just try to control myself avoiding the move but there is a moment when I have to do it; I just can’t help it and it is when I trash everything.

I just need t stay calm. It is hard when you have some information and it feels like you had a shot if you wanted to.

I am just confused.

Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day to every girl I have ever loved.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9u9mZz-o-g

13th week of the 2011 season

153

I have been sick for more than half of the time this week. So training only happened 3 times in two days.

Also my physiotherapist has dismissed me from her, so I am free to train again as normal. I need to take it easy a little bit in the beginning, build some muscle back. Make sure I don’t have any new draw back like blisters or anything like that and if in 4 weeks I have no pain I’ll be cured. According to her, it is possible that I have a bit of pain when I start training but it should be normal.

I had spent a lot of time without my insoles and by Tuesday I had pain on my heel again. We figured out the problem was because I did not wear them so from now and for the next 6 months I have to use them all the time. No barefoot walking, no sandals, no sleepers. It feels better today.

My shoulder didn’t feel healed either but right now feels ok. We will see when I get to the water again. I have probably lost all the gains that I had made. Too bad. Injuries happen.

As normal I started the sessions on Tuesday with a double bike session. The first one was short and fast, just to get to rehabilitation. After the session I was offered a car ride home and I stepped on the trainer for a little while.

On Wednesday I stepped on the trainer again. The sessions weren’t too difficult but they are going by pretty fast when I have a good playlist to look at or a good soccer match to watch.

On Thursday I was not able to train because I woke up late due to the sleeping disorders, which I’ll comment on them later on, the fact that I went to the physiotherapist and because I had an important meeting afterwards. We are very excited about it and we hope to meet our goals. At least the guidelines were set.

Ever since Friday; I have been sick so I have not been able to train at all.

My sleeping disorders are back. I haven’t been able to sleep well. It doesn’t matter when I go to sleep I can’t fall sleep before 4am. It is killing me. I try not to sleep during the day even though I am very tired but it doesn’t matter. I have gone most of the week sleeping less than 6h a day, which for me this is very little. And I should actually be thankful that I have no job so I can sleep in, otherwise I would only be getting 2h of sleep a day.

This last week I haven’t had the support of a couple of friends that used to help me. One of them is out of connection and the other one just got mad at me because she couldn’t follow instructions. I asked her something and I needed a precise answer and she gave me something else instead. I told her she was not giving me the answer and she just couldn’t do it.

I did not know how much I would miss her until she’s been gone. Last week when we met I was shy. Well I am still shy and I know we are not in the same moment right now. She needs freedom and I need someone who can help me stand up. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, especially if she turned down my offer with all the information that she gives me. I had already gone nuts once for that. I don’t want to do the same mistake again. That time was not love, nor this one, but I just don’t want to risk it. I had lost a lot at that moment. I have lost enough lately to lose her again.

I am getting a lot of pressure from them. At this point all I want to do is to go away and never look back again. I am getting really tired of them. They only have one topic with me and it is boring and painful enough to remind me of it every day. Plus they are very annoying.

Since I have been back I am rethinking about my life pillars and I realize they are not valid any more. I used to think I would move to my beloved country and it looks harder every day. I also had thought who would make the perfect spouse and I realize that the person who I most loved is not who I had in my mind. I used to think that my kids would have great holidays at their grandparents and it looks like it is not going to happen. I used to think I would study longer, and I have huge doubts right now.

So here I am with a boiling head that can’t stop thinking of her. It is making me miserable. I need a break of all this madness but I am just too scared to play the game.

I am trying to convince myself that everything is over, but I just don’t want it. I wish I had the guts to go out there and tell her how I feel but I am just a coward. Somehow I wish this was over forever and I wish I did not have this feeling any more but it is not happening. My feeling is real, and I don’t know how I would handle and undesired answer.

It hurts when I think that she might not be alone anymore, that her heart is taken for real this time and I am no one to her anymore.

I am having too much time to think and my head spins more than my legs and a day like today it is difficult, I have spun for 2,5h.

Watching certain types of movies doesn’t help much either. They make me think even more. I have pictured myself and a baby and some woman and it just didn’t feel right, I am not prepared for it.

I am ashamed of myself. I fear people especially old friends because they will make questions and I am ashamed of the answers I will give them.

I am not enjoying myself lately. I have been in a downward spiral for more than two years. I don’t know how to get out of it. I feel worse every day. I am corroding myself. I need some kind of boosting. Something that will make me happy. I have been thinking when was the last time that I had a happy day where I enjoyed it and I can’t think of it. It’s been almost a year since I was happy for a weekend, well I was happy most of the time.

Can’t believe the way that I feel. I want to end it. I am sick.

Should I move on without ever asking again or should I ask? Should I try to be with someone or do I just want to be with the one that has stolen my heart? Will I be happy if I am with any random pretty girl? (Why did I say pretty? I don’t even think anyone can like me).

Last week I felt like I was shaping up a little bit, I just don’t think that way anymore. I see plenty of fat in my body and I just can’t even stop eating that much. I have tried to cut off my intake and I just can’t do it. Where is my will power now?

I am society’s slag. Unemployed at 27, untitled, not much job experience, lousy student. I don’t have any competitive advantage over anyone. It feels like someone misplaced my resume and put it on top of his interviewable stack of resumes and interviewed me. It was an awesome job. Something I got really excited for. Never heard from them again. I can imagine why.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Yns4iacpuI