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I have only trained 3 sessions in two days. The reason is that I have been sick.
So I trained on Saturday for nearly 2 hours, easy endurance. These two hours were split in one 30 minutes run a 90 minutes bike ride. Even though I did not run very fast or ride hard I had some trouble completing the sessions.
On Sunday I wanted to do another double session but my legs, my blisters and some work stopped me from training. I did run for slightly more than 30 minutes. It was a slow windy and painful run. I started the run with stiff sore legs. By the end of the run, I could barely walk because of the blisters. Two weeks ago I had 2 blisters, this week I have increased the family to three and two of them are new. And they are so far from one each other that I have to wear 3 patches of Compeed.
My heel seems to be better although it is not at its best. After running I have a little bit of pain that goes away when I rubbed against the table.
I haven’t swum yet because of the cold; I thought it was not safe enough.
Besides from being sick I haven’t done much this week. Although the project that I am working on seems to be getting together, but so far there has only been talking and not too much action.
I was also called for a 6th chance. I hope I won’t blow it this time. And maybe I’ll see some light at the end of the tunnel. I am quite excited and I want to do well this time.
After a lot of thinking I realize that I rarely change. The feelings that I have had for the last few months are the same as the ones that I had years ago. It is exactly the same pattern.
Things have changed a little bit this week. I was jealous but not from whom I thought I would be. It might be one of those breaks that my mind gives me after a bad week but all I wanted to do this week was to be with her. It might be because I haven’t had the chance to talk to her as much as I used to do; she’s having some connection problems.
I tried to meet her but she seems to be busy or she just doesn’t want to see me. I have done that in the past. I play the busy me when I don’t want to see someone. The worst part is that it isn’t the first time that she turns down my offer.
There is another problem. I felt very good with her when we met. And I haven’t had this feeling for a long time. I am shy and naive so I did not want to spoil the moment. I am not sure if meeting her is a good option for me. I know how I feel and I know how I behave. I can be dangerous because I get mad when I don’t get what I want and I can blow everything.
We are not at the same point in our lives so it just makes it more difficult. I still have some dreams, which I should face that I’ll never accomplish them, and she has her issues.
I have argued this many people in the past. All of the arguments were for the same reason. I am not capable to be rejected. I just can’t handle it. What is my defense mechanism against this behavior? I just try to control myself avoiding the move but there is a moment when I have to do it; I just can’t help it and it is when I trash everything.
I just need t stay calm. It is hard when you have some information and it feels like you had a shot if you wanted to.
I am just confused.
Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day to every girl I have ever loved.
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