my anxiety is waxing

153
I am worried, very worried, and I am feeling strong as well.

I have a lot of anxiety, time seems to have stopped, and it only runs when I work out. It is frustrating because I want to train for much longer time, but I can't, I know how important is to rest and to stick to the plan. Like today I have eager for the swim. I rode my bike, indoors on the trainer because it was raining outside; I had to drop a gear after 40mins because my HR was slightly high for today's workout. I almost felt bad.

I have been thinking to join some open waters races but I don't really know how to fit them in my schedule and I am worried it will be bad for my A-priority race. I am afraid it will diminish my self esteem and that is something I really need to avoid any bad feeling.

For the last 3 or 4 days I haven't been able to sleep well at night, it takes me forever to fall asleep and in the morning I always get up late. I also need a power nap and because I am so tired I tend to sleep in.

My personal problems are arising as well. My best friend won't help me, I have asked for his help several times and he just won't reply to me. I need his help. He told me he would helped like a year and a half ago and I am still waiting.

The past 2 weeks it seemed like I was doing fine, but as always you had to ruin it. Your timing is always offset. What is it that you want, now? I don't understand why we still argue. Is it all we have to say to one each other? No hard feelings, it is the way we feel, there is no need to talk when there is nothing to say. I hope we don't make it worse like in the past. I am tired of this shit. I haven't felt like the last 2 weeks for a very long time and now those wonderful times are over. You have appeared again and everything has changed, I am not focused on what I want and I start to think too much again. I don't want that.

She was just a distraction, she is nice but things cooling down. I guess it is for the best. It was very exciting, I don't know if it was real or just something to blur my vision but it was good that she was there. Thanks god she was not near me, I would have done something worse that what i did.

I am a mess, I was putting everything together and now everything has fallen apart like a card castle. Were my thoughts real or just something to avoid thinking on other things? I am hopeless and I don't have much energy left for things that should be very important to me.

What is going to happen in 5 weeks, I am scared. 5 weeks only!!!

Looking forward to tomorrow's run, 75mins, hehe